- Life has a way of catching up to you,
especially when you least expect it.
That's always been the case for me.
- Hey baby, little baby!
Let's get him!
Welcome to my existence.
- Get him!
- Stop it!
- You like that?
- Life as a kid was never a bed of roses.
And when I think back, they were not the best of times.
- Geek!
- And definitely not my most fondest.
- Hey dick weed.
Wedgie!
- Yeah, those were times that I'd prefer
to forget and leave dormant in the back of my mind.
- Having fun, jerk wad?
- I've always imagined being cool.
Mm, ladies.
Whatever that was.
But as long as I can remember, I was anything but cool.
Five.
Oh god.
Some of this, some of that.
Some of that.
Boom.
And that's when I discovered The Mack.
- And never forget.
- The greatest blaxploitation movie
of all time, with Max Julien and Carol Speed.
Hands down, the best pimp movie ever.
- And it's gonna continue straight ahead.
Until somebody out there
turns out the lights on this small planet.
- Can you dig it? - Can you dig it?
- Yeah, yeah.
I can dig it, yeah.
- Right on. - Right on, right on.
Some kids wanted to be doctors, firemen, or policemen.
I wanted to be a pimp.
Woo, woo.
A P-I-M-P, baby.
It's actually pretty easy to do.
After a quick stop at the thrift shop,
wearin' your grandpa's clothes, it was on.
New pants for me.
All right, all right.
Hey, I see you, I see you, Paulie.
Hey man, wanna give it a pound?
That's okay, you don't have to do that.
Hey girl.
Can you dig it?
Yeah, I like your smile, that's okay.
Mmkay, how we doin', how we doin'?
Hey playas.
- Let's get him.
- Okay, yeah.
That wasn't workin' out for me either.
For a guy like me, all was lost.
The closest I got to getting a hot chick
was Miss August, Jennifer Wilson.
I was so bad.
Jonah, open the door!
- I'm brushin' my teeth!
- Mom, Jonah's jerking off again!
Jesus, for the love of God.
Jonah, open the door! - You interrupting is just
gonna make this last longer.
Mom!
- Jonah, not on my good towels!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
Jonah, open the door!
Jonah!
Hurry.
Jonah!
Jonah, open the damn door!
Jonah, right now!
I swear to God if you don't come out of here right now I'm--
- The emergence of the internet
and social media was a major game-changer.
It created millionaires and billionaires over night.
With sites like MySpace, Google, Facebook, BlackPlanet,
I loved BlackPlanet.
And Twitter?
Being a geek was now cool.
At 18, I got recruited to work for a big software company.
By the time I was 21, I was loaded.
And boy did my life change.
Who got shots?
Who's tryin' to get me drunk, okay?
I was a rockstar.
We're gonna cheers this.
The high school jocks
were just dumb fucks looking for a job.
- Ooh. - All right, let's do it.
My time had finally come.
I decided that I was gonna make my mark
and capitalize on this new trend and start my own business.
It was time for me to step up and find my stride.
Be my own man.
That's when I met the first Sharon.
♪ Knew you were a city girl
♪ Hair pulled back, designer pearls ♪
♪ Late night club and some backseat love, yeah ♪
♪ When you're around, babe, you know I can't get enough ♪
♪ Know you gotta get up early, baby ♪
♪ Gettin' tired of that nine to five ♪
♪ Let me treat you like a lady
♪ Won't you take some time to live your life ♪
♪ Knew you were the best
♪ I see the way you finesse
♪ Can't get you outta my head
♪ That's why I wanted you bad, yeah ♪
♪ When I'm with you
♪ All I wanna do, baby, is talk about you ♪
♪ Come around and dance with me ♪
♪ Baby, it's true
♪ I'm gonna give you a chance to leave ♪
♪ So what you wanna do baby, do baby ♪
♪ Oh
♪ Your eyes, they're shinin' bright like diamonds ♪
♪ We so fly, but we could go higher ♪
♪ Anything you want, babe
♪ I can show you I've got
♪ A little bit in a minute
♪ You know you can't lose with me ♪
- I was looking for real estate
to start a new venture
that's how I got entangled with Sharon Clark.
I call her Sharon One.
♪ Can't get you outta my head
♪ That's why I wanted you bad, yeah ♪
- Hey.
♪ When I'm with you
- Hi, how's it goin'? - Good.
So, I think you're gonna love this place.
It's got all the amenities you were looking for.
It's got a large bullpen.
It's very creative.
It's artsy.
It's quirky, just like you.
- You know me well.
- So after this viewing, what are you doin'?
- I don't know.
What'd you have in mind?
- Yeah, keep going.
Yeah.
Oh my god, right there.
Can you believe it?
That's me.
Man, how things have changed.
- Keep going.
- Jonah.
- Whoa, man, are you okay?
- She's cheating on me.
She's fucking cheating on me.
I, I caught her red-handed.
- Heather? - Yeah.
- With who?
- With the fucking doing next door neighbor, man.
The guy who moved in like two months ago.
- I thought you said he was gay.
- Yeah, obviously he is not.
- But Heather? - Yeah.
- Really, of all people?
I mean, what is this world coming to?
- It's going down the fucking shitter.
I gave that girl everything, and she gave me heartburn.
Fuck her!
- Don't say that.
- Fuck you, I'm saying it.
You always say you wanna have what I have by being in love.
Well, this is it.
This is what it fucking looks like!
This!
You give your heart to a woman,
and she just crushes it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I, I am devastated, man.
I wanted to marry that girl.
Poor Drew.
I know that feeling.
I remember the first woman I had sex with.
The first woman that took my virginity.
I was so in love.
I think I cried the first time we had sex.
- You gonna love me! - I love you!
Her name was Tisha LaQuanda
Demetria hyphen Jones. - You gonna love me!
I got the goods. - I loved that girl.
- Do you like this? - Yeah.
- Do you want more? - Yeah, please.
- What's my name? - Tisha.
- What's my name? - Your name is Tisha LaQuanda!
- You better tell me my name! - Tisha LaQuanda!
- Say it again! - Tisha LaQuanda!
- You gonna love me. - I love you.
- You gonna love me. - Yeah, okay, oh god.
- I got the goods, yeah.
- That's when I knew I was in love.
Because at that moment, I started to cry.
That was the first time I cried, but not the last.
She broke up with me.
Found some hot Swedish guy.
Tisha, Tisha, please don't go.
- I gotta go.
- But I love you!
- I know, everybody loves Tisha LaQuanda.
I got the goods.
But I gotta move on, I gotta go.
♪ Who'd he think he was
♪ Runnin' around town with my name on his tongue ♪
♪ Is he really
- Tisha!
Tisha LaQuanda!
You my shortie.
- Do you have any ice cream?
- I got smoothies.
Yeah?
- I'll take a smoothie.
- Come on, let's get you a smoothie, huh?
Where you goin' so early, Cooper?
I'll see you, I'm seeing you at three, right?
Hey, how are ya?
- Jonah.
- My man, how we doin' there, you good?
- Yeah, but not as good as you, right?
- Oh yeah.
Being popular was a new phenomenon.
Hey guys.
- Hey. - Hi.
- In what universe would I be popular?
Who is that in my office?
Hi.
- Oh.
So sorry.
Just checking out the view.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- I'm Sharon Lee.
You're supposed to be training me in the next few weeks.
- Yes, right.
That was today.
Sorry, yeah, I'm Jonah.
I am Jonah Smith.
- Nice to meet you.
I guess I should give you your desk back.
- That would be great.
Thank you.
Psychologists say that women know
if they will sleep with a man
within moments of meeting him.
It's biochemical synergy, pheromones.
The chemical secretion released by the opposite sex
that enhances physical attraction.
- I'm all yours.
- Who's that?
- That's just my business advisor.
She advises me on business.
And other things.
Hi.
Final paperwork? - It sure is.
- Awesome.
- Oh, you have company.
Hi, I'm Sharon.
- What a coincidence.
I'm Sharon, too.
That's how she got her name:
Sharon Two.
- Oh wow, you're a Sharon.
What are the chances?
- Yeah.
Sharon, this is Sharon.
She's replacing me.
Right from the training program and into the fire.
I'll be your guide, though.
- Wow, well, congratulations.
Very exciting.
It's a great gig.
- Thank you.
I'm really looking forward to it.
- Could we have one second, Sharon?
- Sure, no problem.
- Thank you.
So, that's your replacement?
- Yeah.
- She's beautiful.
- What, what does that mean?
- Come on, Jonah, you're already sleeping with her?
That is unbelievable.
- I'm not.
I'm totally not.
I just met her like a couple seconds ago.
- Well, what do I know?
You do move fast.
But this has no concern to me.
I'm not your girl.
Sign here.
The space is all yours, and you're on your way.
Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
- Well, let me not keep you from training your replacement.
We're still on for tonight, right?
To celebrate?
- Absolutely.
- Great, see you then.
See, now that's how you celebrate.
- Yeah, it is.
- Well, I better get outta here.
I hate to hit and run.
- What are you talkin' about, you always hit and run.
- Um.
You know, actually, I don't have anything to do tonight.
If you wanna maybe order some Chinese food
and watch some TV?
- Oh.
Uh.
- No, you know what, forget about it.
- You sure?
- Yeah, no, you have things to do, and I have things to do.
So it's not a big deal. - Okay, all right.
- No biggie.
No biggie.
Okay, well, I guess I'll call you again
when I need some again, huh?
- Like always.
- What is that?
I have no idea.
- Will you do something?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, hold on.
- It's over there.
- Yeah. - Jonah, the arm.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drew?
What the hell are you doin' here, man?
I almost Louisville Slugger'd you.
- What do you mean what am I doing here?
You said I could stay here for a couple of days
until I figured something out.
- Yes, I did say that.
I said that, sorry.
- Sharon.
- Drew, how are you?
- I am terrible, thank you.
- Okay.
- His girlfriend is cheating on him.
- Tell the whole world, why don't you.
- Sorry. - Okay.
- Are you going to use that bat,
or can I use it to smash my brains out?
- I'm just gonna go. - No.
No, okay, yeah, I'll see you.
- All right, bye. - Sharon.
- I'll call you. - Is that how you cry?
It's amazing how people are always in a hurry,
always rushing to get somewhere in life.
You have to wonder, what's it all for?
- What's the progress report?
How am I doing?
- Ooh, do I wanna be honest?
- Brutally.
- I don't think you need me anymore.
I think you're ready.
- Thanks.
So that's basically it.
My parents put me through private school,
and I rewarded them with a full scholarship to college.
And here I am, on my way to the top.
Tech world is small, so me taking your job,
that's good stuff.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
- Let's get off topic a little bit here.
- Okay, yeah.
- How long have you been screwing your business advisor?
Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry, just, wrong pipe.
Thank you.
- I can be too direct.
- Patron helps.
Thanks.
- So, how long?
- What makes you think I'm having sex
with my business advisor?
- By the way you two were looking
at each other the other day.
You two couldn't hide the fact
that you guys are fucking, even if you tried.
- Well, for your information,
I am not F-wording my business advisor.
- Why not?
She's hot.
A little old, but still very hot.
Is she good?
- Really?
You're being serious?
- You can admit it.
You're a grown man having a grownup conversation
with a grown woman.
You could be honest with me.
- No.
Hmm-mm.
I don't like to mix business with pleasure.
- Well, I think it's time you did.
- Excuse me?
- Let's be honest.
This job is stressful and demands a lot of time.
Which means any chance of developing an outside relationship
with a decent individual is slime to none.
And since we're only gonna be working together
for another two, 2 1/2 weeks tops,
why not?
I'm not talking love, just a matter of convenience.
A release.
I think a little business with pleasure is good.
So.
What do you think?
- Your place or mine.
Two Sharons in one week.
What are the odds of that?
I'm a Trekkie, so if I was Mr. Spock,
I would calculate it as being,
man, I'm weird sometimes.
The things I think about while having sex.
Is it normal to think about so many different things
while having sex?
It's like my pseudo-mentor Tyrone said.
- Listen up, Young Blood.
The key to bein' a good lover,
maintainin' and not bustin' prematurely,
you wanna know what it is?
- Yes, please.
- Oh, good, 'cause I'm finna tell ya.
- Okay.
- While you all up in there, gettin' it on,
got your groove goin' and feelin' good,
don't ever, like Andre 3000 say, ever-ever--
- Ever-ever.
- Don't ever think about how good it feels.
That's a no-no.
You think about your car.
And then think about what you're gonna do tomorrow.
Organizing your taxes.
Anything but what you're doing.
Man, you've gotta distract your mind.
- I need to distract my mind.
- It's all about the mind.
'Cause while she's all into it and goin' crazy,
you've got to keep your concentration.
You've got to keep your game on tight.
- I've gotta keep it tight.
- You've got to hold your load.
- I'm gonna hold it.
- You don't wanna be no minute man.
- No.
- The key is, think about somethin' else.
- Wait.
Is it odd, me thinking about a black guy
while having sex with a hot girl?
Yeah, that's kinds weird.
Okay, somethin' else.
What am I gonna eat for lunch tomorrow?
- Oh.
- Oh my god.
- Okay, get up.
Get off me.
- Okay.
- Wow, Jonah.
You are good.
But now you gotta go.
- Already?
- Let me catch my breath first, huh?
- No can do, Jonah.
No can do.
I need my beauty rest.
And American Idol's on in 15 minutes, so hey.
Come on!
Let's go! - Okay!
Okay.
- Bye, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll, uh--
- Thanks. - I'll see you tomorrow at--
I guess you can say, from that point on,
Sharon Two and I developed a particular after-work routine.
- I'm stressed.
- Look at me! - I'm looking at you.
I'm looking. - Look at me!
- Look, I can't without my glasses.
No idea what that means.
- Don't stop! - Okay, yeah, great.
- What are you doing later?
Oh yeah.
Uh-huh.
Oh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, oh my god, to the left.
The the left. - There?
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
- Do the swirl. - Okay.
- Oh, do it right.
You better do it right. - Do it right.
- Do it right!
- So why don't you hand it to me, I'll review it,
and I'm sure it's gonna be great.
Uh, and we'll see where to take it from there.
- That sounds good.
I'm gonna go to the restroom. - Deal.
Okay, cool. - Okay.
Bye. - I'll see at lunch.
Bye.
Energy supplements are crucial when engaging in copulation
at such high frequencies as I was.
This is enough, right?
Who was I kidding.
I couldn't keep up this pace.
I needed a getaway.
- Hello, would you like another cappuccino?
Okay, awesome. - And just when I thought
I'd found the perfect hideaway spot, it happened.
That's when I ran into her. - Awesome.
- Or rather, she ran into me.
- Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.
I cannot believe I just--
- That's all right, it's all right, it's--
- No, no, it's not all right.
I've ruined your jacket.
I will pay for the dry cleaning.
- It's not a big deal, it's fine.
It's okay, really, it's okay.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't leave.
Um, let me make it up to you.
- It's okay, it's cool.
Thank you, though.
- Are you sure?
I mean the coffee here is great.
And we have the best red velvet whoopie pies.
And the absolute best retro psychedelic feel ever.
- What movie is that?
- Dolemite.
Rudy Ray Moore. - Yeah.
- It's badass.
We've got kung-fu, even Elvis flicks.
Everything retro.
That's when I knew
she was something special.
- For fuckin' with me, you no-business,
born-insecure motherfuckers.
- Hi, sorry.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.
I, I cannot that I just did that again.
- Okay, it's good coffee.
Yeah, and the whoopie pie's delicious, too.
Look, I know you guys just opened.
You probably just started workin' here.
But I gotta talk to the manager.
I'm sorry.
- No, I, I totally understand.
Just give me two seconds and I'll get her,
okay? - All right.
- I'm really sorry, I just...
Hi, I'm the manager.
- You're the manager?
- And the owner.
How are you, sir?
- This is your place.
- Yep, all mine.
I'm really sorry, again, for just spilling coffee on you
and putting a whoopie pie in your lap.
Just give me one more chance, okay.
I feel terrible.
- Yeah, one more chance.
One more chance.
- Sometimes third time's the charm.
- Yeah, sometimes.
- I, uh, I didn't catch your name.
- Sorry, I'm Jonah.
- Hi Jonah, I'm--
- Sharon, three.
- Her name was Sharon Hudson.
But I just called her Sharon Three.
- Three what?
- The guy's coming tomorrow at three
to fix the wireless router.
- Three, I need him to come earlier.
Okay, not your fault.
Just hold on one second, okay.
Um, I will be right back with your coffee.
I just need to handle that,
otherwise I'm gonna have to take down that free Wi-Fi sign.
- Okay.
What are the odds of having not one or two
but three hot Sharons in my life.
What is the universe trying to tell me.
- Hey, steady feet.
- Uh-oh. - Steady feet.
- Here she comes.
Here she comes, almost there.
You're almost there.
- Almost there.
- Hey. - Ta-da.
- There you go. - Third time's the charm.
And I brought you some of these.
- Thank you. - You might need a couple.
- Thanks. - The very least I can do
is pay for your dry cleaning.
- Hmm-mm, not a big deal.
Um.
But I have been thinkin' about a way
maybe you could pay me back.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, yeah, sit down, hear me out.
Just give me a couple minutes.
- You've got two, it's gettin' busy.
All right, now, how do you propose I pay you back?
- Have dinner.
- Really?
- With a friend of mine.
- Your friend?
- Yeah, hear me out.
Look, he's not ugly, okay.
He's not a loser or anything like that.
He's just been buried in his work
and he hasn't really hit the dating game in awhile.
Like two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- Two years.
Two years.
Did I say two weeks?
I meant two years.
It just feels like yesterday
that he was banngin' on my door, crying his eyes out.
- Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah, it is terrible.
And I think you might be the girl
to break him out of his funk.
This is just a date.
You're acting like you're goin' to the dentist.
- I keep telling you that I'm not ready to be dating again.
- Okay, well, we're gonna have to do somethin' here.
Okay, you've gotta get your mind of of Heather.
And this girl, okay, she's sharp.
She's pretty.
She owns her own business.
Okay, she's got her act together.
Hey, if anything, you should be thanking me
for hooking you guys up.
She's perfect.
- Well, if she's so perfect, why aren't you dating her?
- I mean, I could, I could.
I just, I'm not ready to date a girl like her.
Not yet anyway.
- That's interesting.
So what makes you think that I'm ready
to date a girl like that?
- Well,.
- Exactly.
I'm outta here.
- Hold up, man, where are goin'?
- I'm getting out of here, would you let go of me, please.
- No, man, not yet.
I mean, you have to meet her at least.
- I'm out, and you know what?
Her name is Sharon, okay, it's weird.
It's like that name is your fetish or something.
- Maybe that was it.
Some people have a hand fetish or a feet fetish.
Could it be that I have a name fetish?
Drew, stop.
I will kick you out of my house
if you do not meet this girl.
- Get off of me! - I'm getting off of you.
Sit down.
You're gonna have one drink. - You're crazy.
I've had nine.
Just get off me. - No, man.
- We look crazy right now.
- You two do look crazy.
Hi.
- Hi, this isn't what it looks like.
- I couldn't even guess what this looks like.
And I'm sorry I was late, by the way.
Hi Jonah.
- Hi Sharon, how are you?
- I'm good.
I'm really, really good.
- Um, this is the great guy I was telling you about.
- Right. - Drew.
Drew, this is the lovely lady, Sharon.
- Hi Drew, it's, uh, nice to meet you.
- Sorry, he's being kind of a dickhead right now.
- I'm sorry, Sharon.
And I'm sorry, Jonah.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I don't, I don't belong here, okay.
I need to, I need to get out of here.
- Hey buddy-- - Don't touch me!
- Sorry.
- So.
So that's Drew.
- Yep.
- We should get him, right? - Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Drew!
- Okay, so what I was saying was,
is I don't think you should be scared at all.
- Whoa, hold on, I'm not scared.
I'm nervous, okay.
I mean, cut me some slack.
I'm leaving a very comfortable job for the, for the unknown.
- That's the fun part.
I mean, the unknown is the fun part.
- Yeah. - Three years ago, I said,
I'm gonna open up my own coffee shop.
Now look at me.
Three years and like
five, six months later,
I have my very own retro coffee shop.
- Well, that's awesome.
That's awesome.
- Well, thanks. - Yeah.
- You know, I had a great job, too, that I just left.
You know, sometimes you've just gotta jump out there, man.
You've just gotta do it,
you know? - Yeah.
- You've gotta follow your heart.
You've gotta do what you love, Jonah.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
- Yeah.
I'm being serious.
- I know you are, I know, I appreciate that.
Now, normally, when I feel this attracted to someone,
this connected, it's time to have sex.
The fact is, guys have two speeds: on and off.
There's no middle ground.
But the weird thing was, I didn't wanna have sex.
I just wanted to look at her.
- Damn.
Sound like you in love, Young Blood.
- No. - No?
The only time a man wanna listen
to what the hell a woman got to say is
if he's tryin' to get some or he's in love.
Now, here's the rule, this is how you know.
If you just finished havin' sex with her
and you're still interested in what the fuck she got to say,
well, here you go home skillet.
You in love.
- I'm in love right now.
Can you twerk it, baby?
Make it clap, baby.
Oh my lord.
Oh, I gotta tell you, this was a great idea, man.
You really know how to make a brother feel better.
- There you go.
I got you, big guy.
- I'm in love with you.
Are you married?
- The thing about vinyl,
the music just sounds different.
Real, authentic.
So when I need to think, it's not CDs or MP3s,
it's plain old fashioned vinyl.
Analog rules.
There's something about old music, in a time before my time,
that just intrigues me.
Sharon Three.
I gotta see her again.
♪ I'd be better
- Hey. - Are you serious?
I've been calling you.
Where have you been?
- Sorry, I've just kinda been listenin' to music.
I mustn't have heard.
I need you.
Get over here.
- Honestly, I'm kinda just plannin'
on maybe stayin' in for the night.
- Jonah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I'll, uh, I'll be right over.
♪ You punch a clock, I'm frontin' pot ♪
♪ I guess that make me criminal ♪
♪ So, yeah, Mary, my boss
- What are you tryin' to do to me?
Starve me?
- Cried before.
Hildy?
- I thought you were really sending me away
with Bruce.
- Um, move.
- How do I look? - You look great.
- I do? - Absolutely.
Now can you please move?
- Yeah, sorry, yeah, man.
- We're coming over to the office.
You could be managing editor.
- You're okay with me goin' out with her tonight, right?
- Dude, why would I have a problem with that?
- Because, you know, I tried to set you guys up.
I don't want you to think I'm stabbin' you in the back.
- Oh, dude, really, seriously?
Please go out, have a good time.
You guys are perfect for each other.
I saw the chemistry,
and now you're in front of the TV again.
Okay, I'm trying to distract my mind
with my man Cary Grant here.
So if you could just please move.
- Moving, yes.
Moving, got it, okay.
Hey, thank you.
Wish me luck. - Good luck.
- You're the man.
- Well, isn't that a coincidence.
We're going to Albany, I wonder if Bruce
can put us up. - Where is that maid?
I need a bosom to cry into.
- Oh, oh-oh-oh, watch this part.
I love this part.
Ready?
He's got that crazy look in his eye.
Wait for it, wait for it.
Ready, here he goes. - I'm waiting.
- Oh, that is so tight.
- That was wicked.
- Wicked!
I love that.
Can we see that part again?
- Hell yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay. - Yeah, cue it up.
- One more time. - Mm-hmm.
- And again.
It's so cool.
Watch this, he's gonna clock him.
Check it out. - Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
- All of them.
- Oh! - Lookit, ready?
All of his teeth.
Gosh, it really gets better, even the second time.
- How's that? - Got him?
Yeah, I got him.
I got him.
- Really, though, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,
best kung-fu movie of modern times.
- Best?
The best? - Oh, Jonah, come on.
I love the classics, like, like Bruce Lee in The Big Boss
or Jackie Chan in Snake in the Eagle's Shadow.
- Totally, totally. - I mean, Yuen Biao
in the Prodigal Son. - Prodigal Son, totally.
- Of course, yes, of course. - Absolutely, yes, okay.
- Oh my god.
Leung Kar Yan in Legend of a Fighter.
- I fucking love Legend of a Fighter.
- Really? - Are you kidding me?
Yes. - Oh my gosh.
I love that movie. - Yes.
- It is one of my all-time favorites.
- I love all the classics, though, man, any genre.
I feel like I have an old soul, you know.
I think I was reincarnated from the '70s.
- Oh my gosh, me too.
I mean, I literally, I say that all the time, you know.
It was such a chill time to have lived.
- Yes.
Yes, thank you!
I mean, the clothes and the style
and the language, the whole thing.
- Oh my gosh, I know, right?
Oh, so good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay, I am just gonna go straight to elephant in the room.
- There's an elephant in the room?
I didn't see, where is, where's he at?
- Okay.
Here it is.
Are you single?
- At that moment, I could have been honest
and avoided potential heartache and just been upfront.
But instead I said,
yep.
Yeah.
Single.
Uh, what about you?
- I am single also.
- Interesting, interesting.
- I mean, are you, like, you know, talking to anyone
or have any of those, like, casual relationships?
I mean, totally fine if you are.
You know, just asking and only curious, you know.
I just wanna know.
You know, you can totally be honest with me.
I am a, I'm a big girl.
- Yeah.
Honestly, I have been so focused on my career, I haven't,
it's hard to meet people.
I don't have the time.
- We're in the same boat, you and I.
- Yeah? - I mean, you're right.
It is really hard to meet people
when you're busy all the time.
- Yeah. - I mean, before tonight,
I haven't been in a restaurant in like six months.
- Are you kidding me?
That's crazy. - I know, right?
- I, like, live in restaurants.
- What, what do you do?
Like, eat by yourself or something?
- No, yeah, I mean, I do takeout.
Fact: when you tell one lie,
you have to tell two to cover up the first.
But when you start down that road, like a rollercoaster,
there's no stopping until the end of the ride.
I hated lying to her, man.
- And yet, you did.
- I had to, I couldn't tell her the truth.
- Hmm, that's seems,
hmm. - I'm seeing her tomorrow.
- Mm, outstanding.
This can't end well, you know that obviously.
- Why not?
- Um, three girls named Sharon.
Need I explain.
You still don't get it?
You need me to explain more?
- All right, all right, I'm goin' to bed.
Goin' to bed.
- Have fun living the low life, my friend.
'Cause you're goin' the hell!
- Uh-huh, thanks, man.
- A fun, highly sexual hell.
But hell nonetheless.
♪ When you wake up in the mornin' ♪
♪ When the work bell rings
♪ And they march you to the table ♪
♪ You see the same old thing
♪ Ain't no food upon the table
♪ Ain't no pork in the pan
♪ But you better not complain, boy ♪
♪ Or you get in trouble with the man ♪
♪ Let the midnight special
♪ Shine light on me
♪ Let the midnight special
♪ Shine the light
So how come you don't have a girlfriend, Jonah Smith?
- I don't know.
- Aren't you afraid of being alone?
I am.
You know, I'm afraid one day I'll be old,
never having experienced life or found my true love,
and I'm gonna die alone.
All alone.
In a nursing home.
- That's really sad.
- I know.
I know, right?
I mean, I think it's why I like old people so much.
It's like, like I think I can relate.
I mean, that's why I'm so into retro.
Why do you like retro?
- I don't know.
Maybe 'cause it's an escape.
You know?
- So what are you escaping from?
We all have secret fears.
What's yours?
- I don't think I have any.
- Liar.
All that means is you're avoiding them.
Hidden them so deep you ignored them.
Stop!
Help!
Please, leave me alone!
Can we talk about something else?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
Whenever you're ready.
♪ Boy, you've got me trippin'
♪ You stay up on my mind
♪ The reason that my heart beats ♪
♪ If you leave, I'll flatline
♪ We've got such a connection
♪ Just let the stars align
♪ Baby, make a wish and close your eyes ♪
- You've done this before, right?
I mean, you look like you might be a virgin.
The hot, nerdy type.
More candles?
And some music from my retro collection?
Okay, don't be nervous.
Is it bad that I acted
as though it was my first time?
She seemed so happy about it,
so I just went with it.
I guess I'm beginning to understand my appeal to women.
Nonthreatening, young and naive-looking.
Hunks and jocks can be dangerous.
I was safe.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Got some time?
- Uh, yeah.
Sure, what do you need?
- Besides the obvious?
You're gonna miss this place, huh?
- Yeah, I think I am.
I had some fun here.
- I hope us parting ways in the business sense
doesn't keep us from having fun.
- No.
No, I like our arrangement.
You call me for sex, I come over.
Can't beat that.
- Not even if you tried.
- Hello. - Hey.
What are you doin' here?
- I know you said you were at office,
so, thought I'd stop by.
Hello.
- Hi.
Honestly, this, this isn't the best, though, Sharon.
I'm, I'm tryin' to wrap things up, and I'm late.
And, and my buddies, they, um,
they wanna take me out tonight, too, to celebrate.
So-- - Oh, well, you know what?
That's actually why I'm here.
- Yeah, Sharon, I really--
- Oh.
Hello, friend.
- Sharon, come on, I, I--
- Oh, you like that.
- Yeah, I'm a little bit, but--
- I'm not letting go until I get what I want.
Oh.
Oh god.
Oh, oh, good boy.
I never understood
why women get out of breath when men do all the work.
- Right there, no, right, right there.
- It must be a cardiovascular issue.
- I have to Google that when I'm done.
- Yes, oh, good boy.
Good boy.
See, that's how you break in an office, right?
- Okay.
- You know, you should let me take you out tonight.
I know this nice little restaurant.
I mean, it's kind of romantic, that's what the reviews say.
But it'd be a nice way to celebrate your new venture.
- I'm hangin' out with my buddies, remember?
- Oh, right.
Well, maybe tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah, maybe.
- Sharon Two?
Oh, I knew it.
Hey, how'd it go in there?
- All right.
- Hello?
Hey mom.
- Hello.
- Mom, this is Sharon.
Sharon, this is my mom, Mary. - Hi, it's so nice
to meet you. - You can just call me Mary.
My friends call me Mary.
- Oh, wonderful.
I have been bugging this one
to introduce me to you, so. - I know, I'm so glad.
- Yay. - Linda, Linda.
Sharon, this is my sister Linda and her, uh, three kids.
- Hey guys.
- My sister married a football jock at 18.
At 23, she had three kids and an absentee dad.
Jocks make the worst fathers.
It's all fun and games until the babies come.
Then reality hits and you gotta move back home with mom.
- Hi, Sharon. - Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - I like that necklace.
Looks expensive.
- Oh, it was my mom's.
- How's that job at the burger joint?
- It's good.
- Good, manager yet? - No, not yet.
But you know, you gotta climb the ladder.
- Five years is the charm, though, right?
- It's, uh, you know.
- I, I work at a restaurant--
- Billy!
- It's no wonder certain kids
develop certain complexes growin' up.
Dysfunctional households?
They can't help
but be dysfunctional. - I'm sorry.
He is such a little dickhead.
Yeah, yeah, you are.
I said it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
- I hate you!
- Come here. - No.
- Come here right now.
- No. - Come here, right,
you little brat!
Billy!
- You have a lovely house. - Billy!
Come here right now!
Stop!
Billy, you come here! - I'm so sorry.
- Mom, help me.
Billy, you sit your butt down right now!
You sit down or you're grounded!
Get him!
- My mom's brother was now
living with her.
He lost his job at the factory
and was trying to get back on his feet.
For the past six years.
- Jonah's never brought anyone home before.
You must be special.
- I can't believe the nerd actually
got someone as hot as you.
- What's that, Linda, I appreciate that, that's really nice.
- I'm just sayin', she seems real normal.
- Maybe something's wrong with her.
Maybe she's a hermaphrodite.
You got a cock?
- Wow. - I am so sorry.
- Jonah used to get beat up every day at school.
Every day he'd come home cryin'.
- Yes, he did, every day.
- Little pussy.
Used to be into that, um, those '70s black movie shit.
Little weirdo.
- Are you kidding me right now?
This is what you wanna do?
- You a man now?
You wanna step outside,
prove to me how much of a man you are?
- Bob, leave him alone.
- We still got time.
- You wanna fight me right-- - It's stupid, let's go.
Baby, please. - Mom, how am I,
can we go? - Yes.
- We're gonna go. - Let's go.
Let's go. - We're goin'.
Mom, I'm sorry. - Oh, no.
- I'll see you, mom. - Jonah.
- Thank you for dinner. - Pleasure's mine.
- Jonah, don't go.
Jonah.
What did you call her?
- Herma, I didn't call her a hermaphrodite.
I asked if she was one. - What the hell
is the matter with you, Bob?
- Nice family.
- My family sucks.
- Why do you let them talk to you like that?
- Can you leave it alone?
That's all behind me.
- So, you wanna talk about this?
- No.
- Okay.
I'll see you later, Jonah.
- Oh yeah, I've got mean sex.
- They say that hurt people hurt people.
It's a cycle.
All behavior is causation, cause and effect.
Everything you do, every misstep, every deviant act
has its origin, its root somewhere in the past.
All hurt must have an outlet, and this was mine.
- Hey. - Hey.
I, uh, I just wanted too come by and apologize
for how I acted the other day.
- It's okay.
You comin' in?
- Am I invited?
- Of course you're invited,
- This is really good.
- I'm glad.
This is one of my favorite dishes.
- Yeah? - My dad used to make it
for me when I was little.
- You know that they say that girls
that have good relationships with their dads
make excellent girlfriends.
- Really?
- Yeah, I, I heard that somewhere.
I might have read it, I don't remember exactly.
- Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Jonah?
- Only if you wanna be.
- I would love to.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, aren't you gonna kiss your girlfriend?
- Well.
- Look, about the other day.
Um.
I wanted to talk to you about my childhood.
It's just,
when I do, it brings me a lot of sadness.
So what I do is I try to forget about it altogether.
You know, I just leave it
in the back of my mind somewhere, dormant.
And then I get caught up in a time period
that I think is cooler than the one I grew up in.
You know, one that was cool and carefree.
At least that's how I like to imagine it.
When I go home, it reminds me of that shitty past.
- You don't have to explain anything to me.
I'm just glad you're in my life.
And I'm really, really just wanting to give you a huge hug
for opening up and sharing that with me.
- At that moment, I just wanted to say,
I love you, Sharon, you're my soul mate.
But instead, I just said,
thanks.
You're so cool.
- Thanks.
I'm so glad I have you in my life, Jonah.
Let's go dancing.
- Right now? - Yeah, can you dance?
- Can I dance?
Of course I dance.
Look at this, I'm a dancin' machine.
Look at my move. - Really?
- Yeah, I'm really bad actually.
I'm really bad.
It's embarrassing how bad I am.
- Oh, then it's gonna be really fun.
But don't worry, I can't dance either.
- Uh-oh. - Hmm-mm.
♪ She won't love you, love you
♪ She can't love you the way I do ♪
♪ She won't love you, love you, love you ♪
♪ She won't love you, love you
♪ Not like I do
♪ Like you need me to love you
♪ She can't love you like I do
♪ Love you like I
♪ Love you like I do
♪ Love you like I
♪ Love you like I do
♪ Love you like I
♪ Love you like I do
♪ Can't love you like I do
♪ My love is like one in a billion ♪
- You gotta stop this.
You're an asshole.
- Um, it's fucked up, what you're doing.
You know that, right?
- What are you, my conscience now?
It's fucked up, what you're doing.
How do you have sex with three hot chicks?
- Hey, you like this girl.
I can see that, I know you.
So why are you doing this?
- 'Cause I'm a pimp. - You're a pimp.
- I didn't choose the thug life, thug life chose me.
- Oh, wow.
Okay, so that's where you are now.
You're hiding behind some lame-ass hip-hop metaphors.
Listen to me and listen to me good.
As my father used too say--
- I'm listenin'.
- You choose the life you live, make no mistake about it.
Get it, is it in there?
- Really? - Mm.
- You wanna do this with me? - Do what?
- Are you sure, Mr. I've Been Hiding
from my ex-girlfriend Heather for the past month and a half?
You're gonna counsel me on life advice?
- That is fucked up.
- Don't dish it out if you can't take it, man.
- Don't talk to be about Heather, all right.
Don't mention that bitch whore to me ever again!
- Shit, man, sorry.
You're still really angry about this, aren't you?
- I'm not angry. - Relax, okay.
Hey man, you gotta with that anger, okay.
It doesn't go away, trust me.
It just becomes a vicious cycle.
And hurt people end up hurting people.
You have to deal with that,
unless you want it to fester
and to become one of those angry,
pissed-off Indian cab drivers.
- Really, with the stereotypes, really?
- You could work at a 7-Eleven.
- No, dude, that is so fucking racist.
Though I don't understand why so many of my people
do end up working at 7-Eleven, it's disturbing.
But here's the point. - Mm-hmm.
- I'm not angry. - You're a little angry.
- No, I'm not.
No, I'm not, no, I'm not.
I just think that Heather is a fucking bitch whore
for fucking my neighbor, but I am not angry.
- Denial.
I once had a dog named Pete who used to like to take a shit
in the middle of the living room.
We used to step over it
and acted like nobody saw anything at all.
That's denial.
You're in denial.
- I'm not in denial.
- De Nile isn't just a river in Egypt.
- You don't even know what that means.
- What are you doin' right now?
Sharon Two.
Uh-uh.
Okay, this shit is getting complicated.
I need some help.
- You wanna ask me what you should do.
- Yeah. - Is that the question?
- Yeah. - You wanna ask a pimp
if it's best to have three hot bitches than just one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Shit, I ain't lie to you, Young Blood.
To me, myself, personally, three pairs of titties
is better than one pair of titties
any motherfuckin' day of the week, and twice on Sunday.
That's my personal perspective on this shit.
- What did I tell you?
He'd say he was a pimp.
That's what pimps do.
- That's right.
That's what pimps do.
And true, I am a pimp.
I ain't never made no bone about that.
That's my life, my existence.
But dig this, every motherfucker on Earth
got to make their own damn decisions.
Gotta make their own choices in life.
But I will tell you this, though.
Life's a bitch, and she will bite you in the ass.
But on real, what's right for me
might not necessarily be right for you.
I know pimps still in the game at 60.
Some retire, settle down with one thing.
It's a choice.
So, is she fine?
- She's a bad bitch.
- She a bad bitch?
You gotta do you.
You like her her?
Then fuck what me or anybody else got to say about it.
Just you and she against the world, baby.
Can you dig it?
- That was it, I was gonna tell them.
Sharon One, Sharon Two, I'm done, man.
I'm a one-woman man.
- Good for you, man.
I am proud of you.
That is the shit right there.
Man, that's what's up.
That's what's up.
- It's amazing the clarity you get
once you've made the right decision.
It's also amazing the complication that come
to your life the moment you decide to do what's right.
- Sharon, why did you bring me to this coffee shop?
I thought you were gonna show me the reason
why Jonah's been ignoring us lately.
- And I am.
She's standing right there, right in front of us.
- Stop it, another woman?
- I followed him here the other day.
And that's not the only surprising thing.
Um, excuse me, miss.
- Oh, hi, how are you?
How can I help you ladies?
- Well, Sharon.
My name is Sharon.
And my friend's name here is also Sharon.
- Well, wow.
That's, um, that's odd.
I can't say I've ever met two Sharons
at the same time before.
- Right?
- We certainly have something in common.
- Well, see, that's not the only thing we have in common.
- What else do we have in common?
- Um, do you wanna?
- This is awkward.
- Jonah.
We all happen to date Jonah Smith.
- Seriously, is this like some sort of joke or something?
- No.
- I'm sorry.
Uh.
I don't, I don't think I understand.
Uh, you're telling me that you two are also seeing Jonah?
- I feel so liberated right now, man.
I'm about to start a whole new chapter of my life.
- It's beautiful.
Whoa, whoa, dude, dude.
Are seeing what I'm seeing?
- What the fuck?
Game over.
My world has just come to an end.
- And now you're just the latest addition to the equation.
So, I'm sorry that we had to break it down to you like this.
- Well, um, thanks for,
for telling me, I guess.
- Oh, no.
Oh, you're not gonna cry, are you?
Let's not.
I mean, it's like, in public and--
- No, no, no, I'm good.
Hey, I'll be fine.
Thank you, though.
I, uh--
- Well, well, sit back down.
Because we a proposition for you.
- We do? - We do.
- Fuck!
- Didn't I fucking tell you this would catch up to you?
- Well, we can work this out, the three of us.
- I'm so fucked.
I'm so fucked right now. - Told you it would catch up.
- It could be, it...
Oh, well, maybe the four of us.
Look who's here.
Hi.
- Should I run?
- Uh, maybe.
Definition of cowardice:
timidity, lack of bravery.
I didn't run.
It's not that I was brave.
It's just that my legs couldn't move.
I froze.
- Excuse me a moment, will you?
- Yeah, of course.
Jonah!
How could you do this, Jonah?
Three Sharons?
What kind of sicko are you?
- It just sorta happened.
- It just, it just sort of happened.
It just sort of happened?
Three Sharons, and I'm number three.
You're a fucking asshole, Jonah!
- Oh, that's really, there's really anger in there.
- I hate you.
Don't you ever speak to me, not ever again.
God.
- Sharon.
Sharon!
Sharon, wait.
Sharon, come on.
We're done, it's over. - What?
- Sharon. - Are you okay?
- Do not let him back here.
- Sharon! - Hey.
Um, can I help you with something?
- Sharon, Sharon.
Wait, Sharon.
- I didn't think so.
I think you need to leave, dude.
Go.
- Well, that didn't go exactly how I envisioned it.
- Do you think?
- Sharon, I'm just gonna give you space, okay.
I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna call you back.
I won't call you back.
You call me when you're ready.
This is the last you're gonna hear from me, okay.
This is, um, I won't call you back.
Sharon.
Sharon, it's me again.
Um, call me back.
Huh, please?
Um, I just wanna talk.
Hey, uh, Legend of a Fighter was on earlier.
I, uh, I thought of you.
I just wanna explain.
Call me, please, call me.
If you don't call me back soon, I'm gonna start having to go
to a different coffee shop.
Sharon, it's me again, okay.
Please, please call me.
I, uh, I can't think about anything else.
I'm sorry.
I, I just wanna make this right, okay.
Call me, just, I just wanna talk.
I just wanna talk.
Um.
I miss you, I don't--
- Oh.
Look at him.
Hey buddy.
- She doesn't wanna talk to me.
- It hurts, right?
Right in the heart.
You know, the odd thing is that seeing you so upset,
I don't feel half as bad about my life.
I guess misery really does love company.
So we're in this together.
Oh, I'm, I'm,
I'm sorry, I'm just thinking out loud.
- You're an asshole.
- Indeed.
- Did I say that out loud,
or was I just thinking that out loud?
- That was out loud.
That's a valid point, good point.
Oopsies.
Sorry.
Oops.
- Good.
- Do you want some ice cream?
- Yes, please.
- Nah, I'll get some smoothies.
We'll work on it.
Okay?
- Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon.
Hi. - What do you want, Jonah?
- I just want to explain.
- I promised myself after my dad died no one
would hurt me like that. - I know, but--
- I let you in, and you did just that!
- I know, Sharon,
and I'm sorry, I'm-- - I asked you if you
were seeing anyone.
And you lied.
- Yeah.
- You lied, Jonah. - Yeah, I know.
- All you had to do was be honest with me, but you couldn't.
- No, Sharon, I-- - Stop!
Let me finish, I wanna get this out.
Now, I know I shouldn't be this upset.
I mean, I've known you what,
like six weeks? - Yeah.
- But those have been the best six weeks of my life.
- Me too. - Jonah, I swear to God,
I will shut this door and walk away if you keep on talking.
- Okay.
- I am so hurt.
You really hurt me, Jonah.
I mean, and those other two Sharons wanted
to work me into this sick sex schedule that you had.
And I declined.
You're sick.
You deserve each other.
I am done with you.
I don't ever wanna see you again.
Is there anything you wanna add before you go?
- Do you remember, do you remember we were outside?
And you asked me what I was afraid of?
I thought about it.
It's love.
Okay, I'm afraid of love,
because I, I don't think I know what it is.
- Spare me, Jonah.
- I was bullied.
As a kid, I was bullied.
By all different people.
But it was, it was mostly this one guy.
Nick Kowalski.
I mean, it was every day after school, without fail.
I mean, it got to the point where I would,
I would just see him, and I would start,
I would start shaking.
I have nightmares just thinking about this guy.
So what am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of Nick Kowalski.
And I'm not just afraid either.
I'm, I'm ashamed.
And I'm angry.
You know, mostly angry at myself.
You know, for not confronting him.
I should've, I should've confronted him.
I, I mean, it haunts me.
I think it's like a self-esteem thing.
Maybe.
And then the fact that I can acknowledge that
makes me ashamed that I didn't face this and confront this.
And then all the guilt that goes along with it.
I mean, I had to constantly prove myself and justify myself.
I mean, I'm fucked up, Sharon.
Okay, I'm fucked up.
And unfortunately, you got caught up
into my world of confusion, and I'm sorry.
Okay, I, I know you've got no reason to believe me.
But if nothin' else, know that I'm, I'm sorry.
It's weird how, like, something could happen to you,
so long ago, and it can affect you today
in the weirdest ways.
I mean, three Sharons, that's messed up.
I can admit that.
And you didn't deserve this.
But things are gonna be different now.
Okay?
Things will be different.
- What would make things different, Jonah?
You haven't changed.
You're still scared.
Still running from your fears.
Fear of Nick Kowalski.
Your fear of losing me.
I'm sorry you were bullied.
But your past is destroying your present.
And it will destroy your future if you don't face up to it.
I'm sorry, I, I can't do this.
I gotta go.
- Sharon, just-- - Don't, Jonah.
- There is a sinking feeling
in your stomach when you've lost the best thing
in your life, the only thing that matters to you.
It cuts like a knife, ripping through your internal organs.
Or maybe that was the burrito I had earlier.
Whatever the case, I knew something had to be done.
I was gonna meet my fear head-on.
I was gonna do the unthinkable.
I was gonna confront Nick Kowalski.
♪ Met her in my dreams, she was my queen ♪
♪ A castle in the mountain tops, rives and streams ♪
- Nick Kowalski, 23 years old.
6'4".
234 pounds.
A 54-inch chest span,
and 17-inch biceps that wield a crushing right hook.
It was a surreal feeling standing there,
looking at him face-to-face after all these years.
I could feel my body changing:
increased heart rate, pore secretions,
xerostomia, otherwise known as cotton mouth,
and a really strong urge to pee.
I really had to pee.
♪ All I wanna do is live with no regret ♪
- So, what the fuck do you want?
What?
- I, uh,
you scarred me for life.
And I came here today
to confront you and let you know
that I will not let you dominate my life anymore.
You will not mentally mind-fuck me
for the rest of my life. - Ooh, mind-fuck.
- And I wanna tell you that
I forgive you.
- Forgive me, huh?
- I forgive you for all the hurt
you caused me over the years.
And I'm releasing you from my mind forever.
You're dismissed. - Dismissed?
- You no longer have power over me.
- Oh yeah, is that it?
Is that it?
- That felt good.
- Yeah, yeah.
It felt good for me too, yeah.
- It did?
Well, listen, dude, I got a lot of work to do, man.
I got like two trannies and oil change and a tune-up.
- Yeah, no.
- But you know what, you know, I always got time
for another good old fashioned ass whoopin'.
- What?
Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.
Let's get him.
- Shit, what have I done?
This went just a little differently in my mind.
As I said before, life goes full circle.
And when it catches up to you, it's a bitch.
Over the years, I learned to distance my mind
from present circumstances and think of more pleasant times.
I remember a time when I was seven years old
and got a birthday cake or how excited I was
Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
Star Wars, Phantom Menace!
But a funny thing happened when I thought about Sharon.
As I looked at her face, at her smile,
and now realizing it was all gone,
a strange and odd feeling came over me,
one that I've never experienced before.
And it caused my right leg to rise up with force.
And the more I thought about Sharon Three,
the bolder I felt.
- Come on, sucker, let's get it on.
- Get it on, Jonah.
Kill that jive turkey.
- I'm not sure what came over me,
pent-up rage for so many years?
But this time, I was in it to win it.
- You fuckin' bit me!
- Yeah, I bit you, bitch.
- Oh god, dude, you are fucking insane, man.
- I can't really feel my face.
Even though by all counts,
I lost that fight, the fact is, it was a fight.
That was the first time I ever fought back
and stood up to a bully.
And that felt damn good.
I was bruised and battered, but so the hell was he.
And from my perspective, that was a win.
- You're fuckin' crazy, man.
It was a whole week before my bruises cleared up.
Okay, not bad?
News of our fight traveled fast.
It got over 10 million hits on YouTube.
This guy.
Eat some food, all right, eat.
And I was feeling pretty good about life.
With one exception.
- Go over there, call her, text her, something.
Do you want me to call her for you?
- No, I don't want you to call her for me.
- I'll do it.
You understand?
Let me help you, all right. - Yeah, what?
- I'm gonna text her for you.
I've got the bomb text she cannot resist.
This is gonna work.
I'm gonna close this for you.
- You got a bomb text?
- Yeah, give me your phone.
- I'm trusting you, Drew. - Hand me your phone
right now. - I'm trusting you.
- Cue it up, give it to me.
Cued? - Do it.
- That's my boy.
Sent.
Done.
Taken care of.
- Good? - You're welcome.
- Is it good? - You're welcome.
- Dude, you're right.
I miss your doggie style?
- It's gonna work, trust me.
It's gonna work. - Are you kidding me
right now? - That's gonna work,
I promise you. - I miss your doggie style?
- I promise you.
Now you sit and wait. - Man, how am I supposed
to follow that up. - Absorb it.
- This is interesting, man, you's like this.
I'm reading this book on bullying.
It's called The Fear That Fear Produced.
It's basically saying you need to purge,
and then allow things to naturally run their course.
I'm not gonna find a girl as great as her.
I'm not.
It sucks how you don't appreciate something until it's gone.
What are you getting all misty about?
- I'm not getting misty.
Just, something you said got to me,
about not finding another girl like that.
It just made me think about Heather and how I'm,
I'm never gonna find another woman like her again, too.
- You still want her back, huh?
After everything you've said about her?
- Yeah.
I really do, man.
I really, really do.
But you know what, hey, what am I doing?
This is not about me, we're talking about you.
So go ahead.
- You brought her up, man.
- Well, stop saying things that make me think about her.
God, am I crazy to wanna be with somebody who cheated on me?
I shouldn't even be thinking about her.
Damn you.
Why do people hurt people?
Honestly, Jonah, I don't get it.
I really don't get it.
- We're human.
People struggle with different issues.
In our own various, individual ways,
we're all messed up.
Now I'm depressed.
- I want her back.
I miss her.
- Me too.
I miss Sharon Three.
Where you goin'?
- I'm just gonna go for a walk.
I'll be back, okay.
I'm just gonna clear my mind.
- Yeah, you want me to come with you?
- No, no, no, I just wanna, I wanna blow off some steam.
You know? - You sure?
- Yeah, talk to you soon.
A wise man once said,
"There's no remedy to love but to love more."
That man was Henry David Thoreau.
I knew what I had to do.
- Hi.
- What do you want?
- Look, I would like you to be honest with me.
Have you been having sex with Jonah lately?
- No, I have not been having sex with Jonah lately.
I thought he was having sex with you.
He's not even picking up his phone.
- Same thing here.
- I'm so stressed at work right now, I need him.
- Okay, get dressed,
because we're going over to his house right now,
and we're gonna set this matter straight.
- Start tell me what to do.
But come in.
- Fine, it's a great plan.
- Hey Drew.
- Hey.
Um.
I'll just have a medium latte, please.
- Yeah, sure.
Medium latte.
Thank you.
- He misses you, you know.
- Yeah, whatever.
- And he is sorry, Sharon.
He really is.
He's hurting right now in a way
that I have not ever seen him before.
He's scared.
- Of what?
- Of losing you.
You are the best thing
that has ever happened to him.
And I know, I have experienced it.
God, I just don't want to see him lose a good thing.
You know?
All I know is that when I see the two of you together,
I see genuine love.
- Thank you.
Mm-mm, don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
I hope I see you again.
Take care, okay?
- Bye, Drew.
- Jonah.
What are you doing here?
I don't wanna talk about it.
- No, no, no, we're talking about it.
- I can't.
I'm devastated.
- You're devastated?
You're devastated?
He's devastated.
He misses the hell outta you.
Okay, look, I didn't, I didn't come here
to give you a tongue lashing, okay.
I just wanna know why you cheated on my best friend
with your next door neighbor.
- It was something that just happened, okay.
We only had sex once.
Okay, here's how it happened.
I was in his cellphone,
looking at pictures from a show he attended.
Oh my gosh.
And I went too far.
I saw some pics I shouldn't have seen.
- What kind of pics?
- The penis pics.
And it was huge!
Oh my god.
I had to investigate.
Oh my god.
- All right, all right.
- I'm sorry, but it was.
God damn, stupid big penis.
It ruined my life.
And I love Drew's little penis.
- Okay, I didn't really need to know that, but--
- And I am missing him.
And I want him back so bad.
But I don't deserve him.
- The guy's a mess without you.
- Can you help me?
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Uh-oh.
- That's right, uh-oh.
- Where's Jonah?
- Hmm, I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know?
- I mean I went out for a coffee,
I came back, and he's not here.
- Well, we'll wait for him then.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no.
Ladies, that's not a good idea.
Jonah doesn't like me to have company.
Okay, come on in.
♪ Special shine a light on me
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You gonna go see him?
Go.
Go get him.
♪ Let the midnight special
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll take care of the shop.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go get my man.
- Go get him, girl.
- Oh, I love you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get him.
- She crushed me.
Sharons, she crushed me.
- Look, you are a super-nice guy.
And I am sure that there is a girl out there
who is gonna love you and is gonna appreciate you.
- No.
I guess, you know, but
I just want Heather back.
- Even after she cheated on you?
- Even after she cheated on me.
- Wow.
That's a gnarly, that's gnarly love.
- If I get her back, I wanna cheat on her.
I mean, that's only right.
That's only fair, you know.
And I'd love for her to walk in on me.
- Oh, that'd be great.
That'd be great, right?
- I walked in on her, she can walk in on me.
- Walk in.
- Oh, but it's never gonna happen.
I mean, look at me.
I've got heartbreak written all over me.
What girl's gonna go for me in a state like this?
But, uh,
I'll tell you this.
It's too bad, because, uh,
I would be a sexual demon.
I would be like, just nasty in bed.
- I mean, like, how nasty?
- Janet Jackson nasty.
- Oh, Control.
- That's a hot song.
- I would be good.
- Drew?
Buddy, I got a surprise for ya.
- Baby?
- Oh god. - Oh, touch my feet.
No, don't stop.
Right there. - Oh god.
- Right there, papi. - Okay.
- Oh god. - Drew?
- He's probably just watchin' True Blood.
- Is this right?
I feel like that's--
- Okay, that's-- - Oh my god.
- That's good. - Is that right, ladies?
Heather? - Oh my god.
- Jonah.
Hey, hey.
- Sharon and Sharon.
- Yeah.
- Drew, what the hell is going on here?
Is this some kind of a joke?
- Let me explain.
- What the hell?
- Oh lord. - Oh, hey.
- Are you here to join the party, too?
- No.
No, I came for him.
But I am leaving.
- No, no, no, Sharon.
Sharon.
Sharon, hold on.
- Please, just let me-- - Hang on.
- You are such
a dirty little-- - Listen for one second.
- Piece of shit! - Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Jonah, I'm done. - Please.
Sharon.
Sharon, give me one second.
Sharon, Sharon!
- Baby.
Baby, this is crazy.
I don't understand any of this.
- I should kill you! - Oh my, she's angry.
- Listen,.
Baby, be reasonable.
Oh god.
- Look.
There's no excuse for what I did to you.
None.
I know that now.
And I am so sorry.
I'm in the process of changing.
And if you give me another shot,
Sharon, I promise you, I promise you,
I'm gonna do whatever I can to make you happy.
You won't regret it.
And that, in there, I had nothing to do with that.
I don't even know what that was.
I miss you so much.
You're all that I'm living for.
You're not my Sharon Three.
You're Sharon One.
My first.
My last.
You're my everything.
- Was that Barry White?
- Yeah, I mean, just a little bit.
Like, the end.
- Oh, come here.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
And, um, just so you know,
you had me at, I miss your doggie style.
- You're kidding me.
- It was so funny.
- That's unbelievable.
That's...
That's crazy.
I love you.
- I love you too.
I love you so much.
- Like I said, sometimes life catches up to you,
and it's not all that bad.
I got a song. - Yeah?
- I got a song for you, yep. - Okay.
Let's hear it. - Okay.
- Is it a surprise?
♪ Traveling could be real
♪ If you had a set of wheels
♪ That you could consider your own ♪
♪ Visit me anytime
♪ Leave your hometown for mine
♪ I'm guessin' you probably won't ♪
♪ With no keys
- You may wonder what happened to Drew.
Well, he made up with Heather.
- And I'm sorry I cheated.
You know, even though, technically,
it wasn't cheating on my end.
It was dis-moral, but well, you know--
- Just shut up and kiss me.
- You shut up, and you kiss me.
♪ No car
- And the other two Sharons?
- Oh, I need some sex.
- Haven't seen them at all since that day.
- You know, you have really beautiful eyes.
- Really?
♪ I can blame time and space
- I guess all is well that ends well.
- That's a nice shot, right there.
- I only saw Nick Kowalski
once after that.
He avoided eye contact with me, and I liked it a lot.
♪ Maybe it's not so bad
We did it, Max.
Can you dig it?
You may be surprised to learn
that you can't fully experience life
until you face and confront the bullies, the demons,
the obstacles that hold you back.
Because then you may realize, as I did,
that when life catches up to you,
it may not be that bad after all.
Sometimes things just have a way of working out.
- No more casual sex with other women.
No more Sharons.
- No more.
- I mean it.
I mean it, too.
♪ Stay where
♪ Stay where you are
♪ No keys
♪ No car
- And that's it, that's my story.
That's how this story ends.
♪ Let me talk to you
♪ Don't gotta be cool for me to love you ♪
♪ Love you
♪ I just want you for my own
♪ My own
♪ Don't have to try, 'cause I get you ♪
♪ Get you
♪ Ain't no secret that they know ♪
♪ They know
♪ Foolish and stumblin'
♪ Stupid and stubborn
♪ Back and forth every day
♪ It's okay 'cause I love you, babe ♪
♪ You've got me holdin' my feelings ♪
♪ We go together like steps in the building ♪
♪ Got me so high we make love on the ceiling ♪
♪ Baby, this love is like blood ♪
♪ In my veins ♪ Don't compare me to Sharon
♪ One, two, three
♪ She can't love you the way I do ♪
♪ Baby, she won't she love you, love you ♪
♪ Don't compare me to Sharon
♪ One, two, three ♪ Sharon
♪ I got everything you need
♪ Baby, you should want me
♪ Baby, does she love you like I do ♪
♪ Love you like I
♪ Love you like I do
♪ Love you like I
♪ Love you like I do
♪ Yeah, love you like I do
♪ Love you like I
♪ Sharon, I know you're mad, but ♪
♪ You don't understand me
♪ Don't you feel alive like me
♪ Sharon
♪ It's all part of the game, girl ♪
♪ Sharon is more than a name
♪ So there's no need to play, girl ♪
♪ Sharon, girl
♪ Night fever, night fever, night fever ♪
♪ Tellin' you about
♪ Night fever, night fever, night fever ♪
♪ Can you help that
♪ Night fever, night fever, night fever ♪
♪ Must be the
♪ Night fever, night fever, night fever ♪
♪ Uh-Huh, lights, cameras
♪ Damn Sharon, got your boy on TMZ ♪
♪ Askin' me about you and we
♪ One, two, three, exclusively
♪ Up in the kitchen, we gettin' it done ♪
♪ All them positions, you know we have fun ♪
♪ He's a pimp
♪ You know that's right ♪ That's right
♪ Sharon know just what I like
♪ She mumblin' to me, bro, just like a savage ♪
♪ I told her be humble
♪ She said, I'm a bad bitch
♪ But Sharon got sprung like the last chick ♪
♪ You know, actin' like Delta with baggage ♪
♪ Sharon's not into sharin'
♪ It's carin', Sharon, Sharon
♪ Three Sharons
♪ Why you get so mad when you know deep down ♪
♪ Of all of y'all girls that I want you ♪
♪ Sharon, I know you're mad, but ♪
♪ You don't understand me
♪ Don't you feel alive like me
♪ Sharon
♪ It's all part of the game, girl ♪
♪ Game, girl
♪ Sharon is more than a name
♪ So there's no need to play, girl ♪
♪ Sharon, girl ♪ Night fever
♪ Do I ever cross your mind
♪ Even though I crossed the line ♪
♪ Do you ever think
♪ Of me
♪ Girl, I know we had good times ♪
♪ Baby, I was dumb and blind
♪ Didn't open my eyes and see
♪ Ooh yeah ♪ Ooh yeah
♪ There was good love ♪ Good love
♪ Waiting for me
♪ Too much ♪ Too much
♪ Time and energy
♪ On someone ♪ Someone
♪ That ain't you
♪ Whoa
♪ There was good love ♪ Good love
♪ Waiting for me
♪ Too much ♪ Too much
♪ Time and energy
♪ On someone ♪ Someone
♪ That ain't you
♪ Whoa
♪ Do I ever cross your mind
♪ Cross your mind
♪ Do you ever think
♪ Of me
♪ Baby, baby
♪ Girl, I know we had good times ♪
♪ Had good times
♪ I've been dumb and blind
♪ Dumb and blind
♪ I just want all of you lovin' me ♪
♪ Ooh yeah
♪ Yeah
♪ I just want that good love ♪ Good love
♪ Good love, baby
♪ Good love
♪ With you
♪ I want you, girl
♪ And you know I need it, girl ♪ I just want that good love
♪ Oh
♪ Good love, baby
♪ Good love ♪ Good love
♪ With you